Full Monk Mode

How a person deals with porn and masturbation addiction is a very personal thing, what works for one may not work for someone else.  At least that it is how I have come to see things over the past 27 days of being porn free.

The other day I came very close to watching porn.  Why?  Well, I think I have come to accept that anger/frustration is one of my triggers.  I was having a very bad day, and I just could not see the positiveness of the situation or the future.  I wanted to give up on everything.  My reaction wasn’t surprising because it’s what happens when I can’t see any other way.

Anyway, back to Monk Mode.  Although, I have been porn free for over 3 weeks I have still been experiencing lustful thoughts at times.  I mentioned in a previous post that my partner had sent me several semi nude images, which I have used for masturbation purposes.  Neither of us had any issues with that, but I think at this stage for me personally it is not healthy in my recovery as the images remind me too much of porn and I want to totally remove any connection in my mind.

So, I decided to delete all the images my partner sent me, and instructed her not to send anymore, regardless of what I say in the future.  I have to break this long cycle of lust that seems to totally control me at times.  I know some people don’t have an issues with nude photos of their partner, and that is fine if it doesn’t trigger them or they have learnt to control their triggers.

I on the other hand have not learnt either.

I know going full Monk Mode is going to be very challenging, even more so as I approach the longest period in my adult life where I have been porn free.  I am expecting anger, I am expecting frustration, I am expecting to feel sorry for myself.

I know having all these expectations is dwelling on the negative, but I haven’t progressed enough to deal with my current ‘normal’ reactions.

How long am I aiming for with Monk Mode?  A minimum of one month, and a maximum of a year.  Even as I write this I am feeling like the Alcoholic who is craving one last drink before getting on the wagon.

Self control is harder than I thought it would be regarding porn and masturbation, oh and the other issues I am working through too.

At this stage I really don’t know what my future is.  I don’t know how I will be tomorrow, next week, next month or next year.  I don’t know anything.

It’s a weird feeling thats for sure.

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4 comments

  1. My only advice would be not to put minimums or maximums on your goals. I’ve seen too many people celebrate when they hit the minimum by jumping back with both feet into their addiction, almost as a celebratory release.

    Assuming you’re 100% correct about having an addiction, it has altered your brain chemistry forever. You will always be either an addict or a recovering addict, at least for the foreseeable future. Be careful with putting timeframes on recovery or indulgence.

    I think it’s great you’re tailoring your recovery to what you need. I’m proud of you for cutting the girlfriend off with the pics. Most men wouldn’t do that regardless of the state of their addiction.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Sexual addiction — whatever form it may take — can be extremely challenging.

    Dr. Dan Allender (the author of “The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse”) wrote a powerful article titled “Lust”, some years ago. You can find an excerpt in an old post of mine by the same name at https://avoicereclaimed.com/2015/11/29/lust-by-dr-dan-allender/ . Dr. Allender speaks to the root causes of sexual addiction, explaining why will power alone is not enough to overcome it.

    There is, also, a useful post at https://www.cru.org/us/en/how-to-know-god/my-story-a-life-changed/how-i-overcame-my-porn-addiction.html. This identifies accountability as crucial.

    In doing a Google search, I came across the following programs. However, I have no first-hand experience of these, so cannot endorse them outright:
    https://www.purelifeministries.org/
    https://christianchronicle.org/a-ministers-escape-from-sexual-addiction/

    I wish I could be of more help.

    Like

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