One Month Porn Free

I have now been porn free for 32 days now!  In total I have been working at over-coming my porn and masturbation addiction for 62 days, and despite failing for 6 days in a row during the midway point I think I have done amazingly well.

Now, this isn’t to say that there hasn’t been challenges, because there has.  The biggest challenge I faced and still face to an extent is by changing my behaviors to how I used porn and also the things that triggered me to use porn.

I always viewed porn using my laptop, and I would always retreat to the bedroom to view pornography in privacy, so the first thing that I had to change was using my laptop in the bedroom.  This is a real pain in my butt, and it still irks me now from time to time.

A week or so ago I was sitting downstairs working on my laptop and I got a sudden urge to go to the bedroom with my laptop, I felt almost compelled to go, it was indeed a weird feeling.  I did manage to resist this feeling and it soon passed, and I have experienced other milder urges too, but I feel the power they have is decreasing as I create new positive behaviors to replace the negative ones.

The other thing that I have been learning to control and recognize is my anger and how my inability to cope with it can drive me to resort to porn and masturbation.  I had noticed on several occasions how losing control of my anger within my family life drove me to repress my feelings and the only outlet that I considered to be left open to me was porn.

I have now come to understand that these thoughts are false and totally unhelpful.  This has been a long, slow and often painful journey.  I believe that one of the best things that happened regarding my porn issues is that my relationship ended with my partner, we were separated for 2 months and during that time I started seeing a therapist and I also engaged in monk mode.

I am not sure which of the three things above was the greatest benefit to my current progress, but I am sure getting things out in the open, confronting my own darkness and having the guts to see and tell a therapist was a rather liberating thing to do.

Oh, the other thing I have noticed over this past month is……..

My Libido has officially DIED!  Yep, that’s correct I have the sex drive of a corpse!  I have heard people say that when they go on monk mode it is not uncommon for the libido to drop off, or even die altogether, but apparently it does come back.

I hope mine doesn’t come back  like it did when I was a teenager, because that shit will get tiring real quick.

I do think porn gives you a false sense of high libido, well that is certainly my experience anyway.  I also can see the further I get into monk mode how porn has twisted my perception of sex, how it has artificially created a false sense of the importance of sex in my life and even how I perceive women at times.

I am rather curious now as to how my mind and thought patterns will continue to shift over the coming weeks and months.  One of the things I am consciously trying to avoid are sexual images so as not to become potentially triggered, but this is something that I will in time have to gradually expose myself to because I can’t live in this world running away from things that may or may not trigger my porn usage.

I am a while a way from that kind of progress, but it is certainly something to work towards.

There is still lots to do on monk mode, but after 62 days of working through these sexual issues there is certainly more hope now than at any time since I was a teenager all those MANY years ago.

Here is to at least the next 32 days.

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